As you might know, I’ve been doing some research this semester. Today I want to write a little bit about my findings—I’m sure you’ll find them fascinating.
Oh, and I’m not talking about researching diabetes; I don’t have anything conclusive there yet. I’m talking about my research into the fascinating lives of homines maritales: married people. My research has revealed that homines maritales all have several strange behavioral patterns in common.
First off, I’d like to explore the oddity of the h.m. diet. As far as I can tell, married people tend to eat their meals at regular, sensible times of day; obviously they haven’t figured out that they can put off eating dinner until 10:00 or 11:00 on busy days if they please (I mean really, someone ought to tell the poor things!) They spend some time preparing their food, and usually eat balanced meals in reasonable proportions--I think it’s safe to say they don’t even know it’s possible to live on top ramen and pp&j sandwiches for days at a time. They also try to eat together as often as possible, and completely miss the utility of hurriedly shoving down a muffin for breakfast as you walk out the door.
I’m sure you’re probably flabbergasted by the strange eating habits of homines maritales, but just you wait—their sleeping habits are even stranger! I have yet to meet an h.m. that has realized that he can stay up until 2:00 in the morning if he pleases; in fact, most married people I meet tell me they go to bed sometime between 7 and 9 in the evening—Can you imagine? 9 pm? It’s ridiculous! They also tend to sleep about 8 hours a night, which, in my personal and highly qualified opinion, is just too much sleep. I mean, most sensible single people I know tend to run on 5-6 hours of sleep with very few side effects. It’s the way nature intended us to be, I’m sure. I think I read it somewhere on the internet.
Finally, the most obvious, yet baffling characteristic of homines maritales is their immense satisfaction in spending almost all of their time with just one person. I completely fail to grasp why any sane, reasoning human being would trade all of the drama, unsurety, and nervousness of dating several people you don’t know very well for a single relationship of selfless love, devotion, trust, and shared experiences with someone you are committed to spending your whole life with. Really, the idea sounds even more ridiculous on paper than it does in my head—and that’s saying something!
These are a few of my observations on the peculiar and strange life of homines maritales, or married people. I hope you have enjoyed reading them, and I assure you that I really didn’t make any of this up, as crazy as it may seem.
(P.S. Thanks to Cindy Lynn and Mahon for being my primary test subjects!)