An unimportant correspondence

While I was a TA at BYU, I was terribly forgetful about punching in and out on my virtual time card. If I forgot a punch, I had to email the timecard secretary and ask them to manually adjust it. The following are our exchanges from January to March of 2017. Black text is me; blue is the timecard secretary.

 

Chem timecard angels,

I forgot to clock in and out during lecture today. Would you mind giving me an in and out punch at 10:55:00AM & 11:55:00AM, respectively?

Your obedient servant,

Jason Ray

 

Dear Obedient Servant,

We are more than happy to fix this for you. Unfortunately, for auditing purposes we need for people to always include the date of the correction (month/day/year specifically). Please just send us the date as soon as possible, and we will fix your timesheet.

Thanks, and have a great day!

The Chem Timecard Angels

 

Kind, merciful, and benevolent timecard angels,

The date was Monday, January 23, 2017.

I have the honor to be your obedient servant,

J. Ray

 

Esteemed attendant Jayson Ray,

We bring you good tidings of great joy.

We have seen fit to incline our halo-ed heads in the direction of your incomplete timecard, and bless it with your desired shift. Fear not, nor let your soul be troubled any longer.

“What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant?”

-Jane Austen

May your day overflow with joy, as a wine-glass runs over with the golden, frothy goodness of a non-alcoholic beverage.

With regard,

The Timecard Angels

 

Dear chemistry timecard overlords,

Could you insert an "IN" punch at 9:30:00AM on Monday, February 6 for me?

Your obedient and grateful peasant,

Jason Ray

 

In response to your acceptable penitence and in an act of great benevolence on our behalf, we have found it in our humble hearts to grant your petition at his time. Take heart and rejoice.

Chemistry Timecard Overloads

 

Oh mighty, respected, and ancestral guardians of the chemistry timecard, forgive me, for I have sinned a grievous sin--indeed, I clocked in and out on the wrong job. Please have mercy on my unworthy soul and make the following corrections.

REMOVE: an IN punch at 4:36:46PM and an OUT punch at 5:23:31PM on Wednesday, February 15th.

INSERT: an IN punch at 10:55:00AM and an OUT punch at 11:55:00AM on Wednesday, February 15th.

In return I will burn three kinds of incense in the ancestral shrine, name my kitten's firstborn after you, and tell my mother I love her.

Your groveling, unworthy servant,
Jason Ray

Base servant Jason Ray,

Thy past faithfulness hath saved thee from the endless, tormenting flames of unemployment. We shall, this once, spare thee our acrimony.

In return for clemency from thine egregious sin we demand one thing further in order to secure thy  timecard’s salvation: a shrubbery.

We are touched by thy humble thanks and apologies. As the Bard once stated:

“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child!”

                -William Shakespeare

In light of this we have acknowledged thy need for our venerable power and have ameliorated thy thrice-blessed timesheet. May thy heart be as glad as a bubbly glad duckling who has just been made professor of glad at Gladstone University.

Blessings upon thee and thy kittens,

The Chem Timecard Angels

Apropos of thy deferential commitment to name thy kitten’s firstborn after us, we desire a picture of said adorable fluff. Thus we can appropriately decide upon a suitable name.

 

Wise, powerful, and benevolent timecard guards,

I come before thee again, a sinner and a vagrant, and plead for your aid in mending my ways. Please:

REMOVE: an IN punch at 6:07:03PM on March 6th.

INSERT: an IN punch at 5:00:00PM and an OUT punch at 6:00:00PM, both on March 6th.

As you have requested, I have obtained a shrubbery and planted it in your honor. I also took a picture of my adorable kitten raising its hand in chemistry class. Here are pictures of both.

Your devoted, repentant servant,

Jason Ray

 

 

TINY MORTAL JASON RAY.

THE TIMECARD ANGELS ARE CURRENTLY  UNAVAILBE TO RESPOND, AS THEY HAVE BUSIED THEMSELVES WITH THE UPKEEP OF THEIR NOVEL SHRUBBERY-PLAYTHING. I, THE ALLPOWERFUL TENTACLED INTERN, HAVE BEEN DELEGATED THE TASK OF RESPONDING.

THY PATHETIC TIMECARD EXCEPTION DREW ME FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE SEA FOR THE PURPOSE OF WREAKING CATACLYSMIC DESTRUCTION UPON HUMANITY. THY EXPRESSION OF HUMBLE DEFERENCE, HOWEVER, HAS STAYED MY HAND. FOR NOW.

AS REWARD FOR THE KITTEN IMAGE I HEREBY GRANT THEE THY DESIRED TIMESHEET CORRECTIONS. I SHALL SPARE THEE THY SOUL AND PUNY LIFE THIS ONCE. DO NOT KINDLE MY WRATH AGAIN.

BE AFRAID.

THE CTHULHU OF R’LYEH

PS: THE TIMECARD ANGELS DESIRE FOR THE KITTEN TO BE NAMED MR. WINKLESTON

 

That was the end of it! I somehow didn’t forget any more punches during the last few weeks of the semester.

College. What a time.