Exultant

I step out into the bright, warm, cheerful sunlight and walk up the stairs. The muscles in my legs engage and tense as I run up them two at a time, my lungs filling joyfully, abundantly with air,the barest hint of a breeze cooling my face. I smile as I reach the top and look out over the campus that I love so much, at the sharp profiles of the buildings and the softer lines of the trees and flowers.

On my way to the library I delight in new acquaintances and old friends. My mind lights up as I consider the bright future, all of its potential and possibility and allure and mystery. I sigh with happiness while breathing in the past, shared smiles and laughter, fun and adventure, family, friends, and strangers, but all really just family

The words of a song recently sung bubble up from somewhere down in my soul, up into my mind and very nearly out my lips. My feet subconsciously move in smooth, sharp patterns, remembering and replicating something I danced this morning, last weekend, all my life.

In this moment a silent prayer of gratitude leaps out of me: "Thank you," I say, "for this wonderful, beautiful, glorious life."

Dancing and Confidence, Part II

I wrote a few months back about retaking a dance class being a great way to increase your self-confidence. But, what if confidence boosters aren't for you? What if you'd rather receive incredibly conflicting, opposing messages about yourself instead of just the boring positive ones? Well, you're in luck--I figured out how to do that too!

Here's the secret: take two dance classes at once. But wait, there's more--they can't be just any two dance classes. I recommend taking two classes in the same line (like two ballroom classes, or two Latin classes), one class that is incredibly easy for you and the other almost impossibly difficult.

That's what I did this semester. After two days of Dance 184 (Beginning International Standard, aka Ballroom) I decided that it was far too simple for an Astair-ian genius like myself. So I waltzed right up to my teacher (oh dear, that was punny) and asked if I could take Dance 284 instead (same dances, higher level). She said that I really shouldn't skip the beginning level class, because beginnings are great places to start and all, but did agree to let me take them both concurrently.

About thirty seconds into my first day of Dance 284, I realized how woefully unprepared I was. Not only was I ignorant about all of the technique that I still had to learn in 184, but I had missed the first three days of class and didn't know any of the steps in the routine!

And so it began. Every day at 9:00 I go to Dance 284, pretend like I almost half-way know what I'm doing, apologize to every poor girl who has to dance with me, and try not to seriously injure anybody or their feet before 50 minutes are up. Then, somehow, the entire world turns over on itself by 10:00 for Dance 184, where I become a demigod of dancing dexterity*, mastering each and every move in the blink of an eye and then flawlessly demonstrating them for the rest of the class.

They say there has to be opposition in all things, so I guess this is probably good for me. Somehow.


*In the spirit of declaring my own cleverness that I started in paragraph 3, I just had to point out that that was really cool alliteration. 

Because of Him

Mormon.org has a page this year titled "Because of Him" (you can find it at easter.mormon.org--if you haven't already seen it, I recommend going there and watching the video). This page talks about everything that Christ made possible through His atonement and resurrection--peace instead of turmoil, forgiveness instead of guilt, innovation, technology, love, and the wonderful truth that every single one of us will live again. 

When this page was published, several of my Facebook friends started posting things with the hashtag #becauseofhim, sharing their testimonies and experiences. For the past week I've been thinking about all the things I have #becauseofhim, and as I've done so, I've been absolutely overwhelmed with gratitude. My life right now is amazing; every little piece of it is working together in ways twice as miraculous and wonderful as anything I, by myself, could have imagine or engineered. 

So, here are a few of the things that I have #becauseofhim (because one of my blog posts would never be complete without a bullet-point list, would it?)

• I am going to school at BYU, my dream school; I'm on track to building the career of my dreams.
• I'm financially stable (which, considering how much it costs to feed myself, is a real miracle). 
• My job rocks.
• I got to sing with Men's Chorus this year, a dream I've had since freshman year.
• Temple blessings mean I'll get to be with the coolest people I know (that's my family, in case you were wondering) forever.
• My health is fantastic.
• The weather is beautiful.
• Prayer and the scriptures help me answer any and every question I have. 
• I am able to find forgiveness to replace guilt for my imperfections with peace.
• Even when I'm unsure about what is going to happen, I trust that God has a plan for me that will take me wherever I need to be. 

I only hope that I can be as faithful to Him as He is loving, kind, and merciful to me.

Happy Easter.

Dreams

I am a dreamer.

When I was a small child, I remember spending hours at a time day-dreaming, inventing wild stories and fantasies, planning great and fantastic futures. As I've grown older I've continued dreaming, but focused my dreams more and more on reality and the future, on the things I'd like to do and the person I want to become.

I am willing to fight for my dreams. In popular literature I believe this is depicted as a positive trait, and in many cases I think it does benefit me; for example, my willingness to fight for my dreams sometimes keeps me studying late into the night, knowing that every hour of study will pay off when I graduate. However, this fighting spirit is also a problem, for my personal dreams do not always coincide with the will of God.

In those cases where my own dreams and plans for my future are not the same as God's, I sometimes find myself resentful of having to give up my dreams. I try to accept God's plan for me, but often do so while whining and grumbling. My constant challenge is to let go of my own dreams, to let go of my own will, and to totally, faithfully accept God's will in all things.

Because He loves me and is awesome, God lets me know every now and then that I can trust him--that I really can let go of my own will in favor of His. He does so through what Elder Bednar once identified as "tender mercies," little blessings that aren't necessary but that let God say "I love you." I think that these tender mercies are like dreams that God gives me when he asks me to give up my own.

Tonight was one of those dreams. Tonight was so fantastic that I had to remind myself that it actually was reality, and not one of my boyhood fantasies.

Part 1: At the beginning of the school year, I auditioned for and was accepted into BYU Men's Chorus. I've wanted to sing in Men's Chorus ever since I started school at BYU, and singing with them last year has been fantastic.

Part 2: Sometime during my teenage years I learned about a cool a capella group named Vocal Point, also from BYU. I've been lucky enough to see them perform a few times live.

Part 3: A few weeks ago, somebody had the idea that Men's Chorus and Vocal Point should do a song together. As a result, I spent three and a half hours this evening in a video recording session, preparing a music video that will be released in the next few months; Men's Chorus and Vocal Point met in a professional theater to record a beautiful version of "Nearer My God to Thee." There was even a crane camera and a fog machine! The whole experience was surreal, dreamlike, and a whole lot of fun.

I may be a dreamer, but I think God is too. I also think He has a lot more experience dreaming than I do and is better at it. I hope I can always see and appreciate the dreams, the tender mercies that God gives me. I hope I can learn to accept and embrace His will, His dreams, even over my own.

Life Is Short

Two days ago, on Friday, March 21, the BYU Men’s Chorus (of which I am a part) sang its first solo concert of the year (named “Epic” because, well, it was) to a sold out audience.

Later that night, Rhett Fisher, Tenor I, who, like I, was singing with Men’s Chorus for the first time, passed away.

When I found out Saturday afternoon that Rhett had died, it hit me harder than I would have expected. I didn’t know Rhett well, but I knew his face, we had talked a few times, I would have said hi to him if I had seen him anywhere else on campus.

I read this talk from conference a few years ago, and cried for a moment as I thought of all the songs that Rhett would not be able to sing.

One paragraph from this talk stuck out to me. It says, “The Father’s plan of happiness for His children includes not only a premortal and mortal life but also an eternal life as well, including a great and glorious reunion with those we have lost. All wrongs will be righted, and we will see with perfect clarity and faultless perspective and understanding.” I imagined a great and glorious reunion between Rhett and the rest of the Men’s Chorus; maybe we’ll sing our Epic concert through again once more, every one of us present, not a single voice missing from the choir. Maybe we’ll just smile and laugh and be glad that everything did, in fact, turn out all right.

Saturday night was our second concert. I think each one of us sung for Rhett; it could have turned out very badly, but we all managed to keep our emotions inside our hearts and out of our eyes, and it was beautiful.

In a quiet moment during intermission, as I was sitting and reflecting, the thought came to me—life is short.

Later on, during other quiet moments of reflection, I thought more on this idea. Life is short. Death comes to us all, to some sooner and others later but quickly enough to each one of us.

In fact, I decided, life is too short.

Life is too short for mediocrity; it is too short for anything but excellence.

Life is too short for sin. Because we’re fallen and make mistakes, I might change that to say life is too short for unrepentant sin.  

Life is too short for indecision (a personal weakness).

Life is too short for abandoned dreams. It’s too short not to try, even though you might fail.

Life is too short for bitterness, envy, or grudges.

Life is too short for anything but charity towards every single person on this earth.

Life is too short for side hugs, for half-hearted goodbyes.

I plan to remember Rhett. I hope to remember the year that we sang together, lifting up our voices to praise God and express the joy we found in living. And I hope to remember that, though I might still have a comparatively long life ahead of me, life is short, and should be lived as such. 

Valentine's Day

Valentine's day: A day when people who love each other do cute little things just to let each other know they care. 

This morning, I decided that since my valentine was God, I would pay attention to all the little ways He might tell me He loves me throughout the day. Here's what I saw.

• Amazing weather. It was so nice outside, it just made me smile every time I stepped out of a building. 
• A random burst of energy at 4:00 in the afternoon. Usually I'm struggling to keep my eyes from drooping by 4, but not today--I felt like I could have run a marathon.
• A delightful video of Alex Boye and a children's choir singing "Let It Go," from the movie Frozen. 
• Batman wishing me a happy valentine's day on my way in to biology. 

The night's not over yet. I'm excited to see what other ways God will wish me a happy valentine's day! 

My Research (no, this isn't about what you think it is).

As you might know, I’ve been doing some research this semester. Today I want to write a little bit about my findings—I’m sure you’ll find them fascinating.

Oh, and I’m not talking about researching diabetes; I don’t have anything conclusive there yet. I’m talking about my research into the fascinating lives of homines maritales: married people. My research has revealed that homines maritales all have several strange behavioral patterns in common.

First off, I’d like to explore the oddity of the h.m. diet. As far as I can tell, married people tend to eat their meals at regular, sensible times of day; obviously they haven’t figured out that they can put off eating dinner until 10:00 or 11:00 on busy days if they please (I mean really, someone ought to tell the poor things!) They spend some time preparing their food, and usually eat balanced meals in reasonable proportions--I think it’s safe to say they don’t even know it’s possible to live on top ramen and pp&j sandwiches for days at a time. They also try to eat together as often as possible, and completely miss the utility of hurriedly shoving down a muffin for breakfast as you walk out the door.

I’m sure you’re probably flabbergasted by the strange eating habits of homines maritales, but just you wait—their sleeping habits are even stranger! I have yet to meet an h.m. that has realized that he can stay up until 2:00 in the morning if he pleases; in fact, most married people I meet tell me they go to bed sometime between 7 and 9 in the evening—Can you imagine? 9 pm? It’s ridiculous! They also tend to sleep about 8 hours a night, which, in my personal and highly qualified opinion, is just too much sleep. I mean, most sensible single people I know tend to run on 5-6 hours of sleep with very few side effects. It’s the way nature intended us to be, I’m sure. I think I read it somewhere on the internet.

Finally, the most obvious, yet baffling characteristic of homines maritales is their immense satisfaction in spending almost all of their time with just one person. I completely fail to grasp why any sane, reasoning human being would trade all of the drama, unsurety, and nervousness of dating several people you don’t know very well for a single relationship of selfless love, devotion, trust, and shared experiences with someone you are committed to spending your whole life with. Really, the idea sounds even more ridiculous on paper than it does in my head—and that’s saying something!

These are a few of my observations on the peculiar and strange life of homines maritales, or married people. I hope you have enjoyed reading them, and I assure you that I really didn’t make any of this up, as crazy as it may seem.

(P.S. Thanks to Cindy Lynn and Mahon for being my primary test subjects!)